moderalist

be back soon...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 22:01:26 -0700

the 'busy' trap

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 11:22:17 -0700

Tim Kreider’s column describes busyness best:

If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint. And the stock response is a kind of congratulation: “That’s a good problem to have,” or “Better than the opposite.”

Notice it isn’t generally people pulling back-to-back shifts in the I.C.U. or commuting by bus to three minimum-wage jobs who tell you how busy they are; what those people are is not busy but tired. Exhausted. Dead on their feet. It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.

Thanks for sharing, @kmodes.

- T

an email i didn't expect to get today

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 18:24:00 -0700

To: Tamara
From: Papa
Date: Monday, June 25, 2012
Subject: In Case

Tamara,

In case you didn’t see Penelope’s blog post today: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2012/06/25/get-pregnant-at-25-if-you-want-a-high-powered-career/

I am NOT suggesting you get pregnant. I am looking at this blog from the feminist viewpoint.

Here is the article by Anne-Marie Slaughter that is referenced in the blog: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/ It’s kind of long, but a good read.

Love, Papa

To: Papa
From: Tamara
Date: Monday, June 25, 2012
Subject: RE: In Case

I read the Anne-Marie Slaughter piece in The Atlantic. I thought it was interesting, although I feel like — at least in the beginning — she was too focused on work/life balance as work/children balance. Arguably children are one of the most time-consuming aspects on the “life” side of the work/life equation, but what about a spouse? Friends? Other family members? Yourself? Hobbies you enjoy? Volunteering? Fitness? Those things are not children, and yet they’re just as important, if not more important, to determining happiness and contributing to society.

The main takeaway I had from this article is that it’s not actually about women anymore. I know plenty of men, some of my colleagues included, who are very involved in their kids’ lives. And I think it’s actually a bigger symptom of the fact that we are all expected to be workers above all else. And that we equate being a good worker with being a workaholic.

Maybe I will blog about this.

Love you,
T

a very mad men father's day

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 21:30:32 -0700

Now that I don’t need to worry about spoilers, here’s some more wisdom from Carlos in the form of his analysis of the Mad Men season finale:

I thought the finale was sad. All the partners are alone again. Lane died alone. Joan’s husband is gone, Pete’s girlfriend is gone and his wife is getting him an apartment in NYC. Roger is alone in a hotel room, and Don had to give Megan her wings so he is back in the bars. Even Peggy is alone in a hotel room. The partners are all getting rich, but their lives are hollow. They are looking for an elusive fulfillment. Work, get rich. Then how do you fill the hollowness inside after you have neglected yourself for so long? Maybe next season will address that search for fulfillment.

Hope you had a great birthday and Father’s Day, Papa.

- T

we're not embarrassed

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 20:34:15 -0700

…that it has been more than one month since we’ve blogged. Because we were in Italy, and we’ve got our priorities straight.

We’ll get back in the groove soon.

- T

all the money in the world

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:39:20 -0700

Chris blogged about Laura Vanderkam not long ago and I recently stumbled upon another semi-recent article based on her book All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know about Getting and Spending.

As a PR person, I am hyper-aware of the power of hearing a message multiple times, which creates a tipping point for someone to take an action. That is why I’m not surprised I bought the book. And because reading is sexy.

Here are two blurbs from the article that really resonated and got me to buy it:

Be more mindful about what your money could buy. Make purchases that improve your happiness. For many, that means spending on experiences, not things. Using the example of the money we have traditionally paid for expensive engagement rings and weddings, Vanderkam calculates how many trips, periodic bouquets of flowers, date nights, babysitters, and hours of housecleaning that money could buy over the years. These are services and experiences that, in the long run, could bring more enjoyment to a couple than a big ring and wedding.

Challenge the big house, big yard, two car “American dream.” Vanderkam points out that these purchases often come with a longer commute by car, more responsibilities for lawn care, and housekeeping. Studies show that none of these activities increase happiness.

That sounds pretty moderalist to me. I’ll share what I learned after I’m done reading.

And after that, I have a fun topic about underwear. Get ready.

- T

retirement dreamin'

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:43:25 -0700

Oh, hi! Just give me second here; I’m finishing up the latest entry in my “Dream Book.”

OK, there it is. All finished.

Joking aside, I did actually write one of these recently. Tamara and I met with a financial advisor and before the meeting he sent us a packet of information to fill out. Most of it was pretty standard stuff: our income, expenses, debt, etc.

Tamara and I are still young, but we figured it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a professional about what steps we can take now to plan for retirement in 20-30 years. With a little planning, we’ll have a much better chance of reaching our goals and not having them determined by whatever we happen to have in the bank when the time comes. We both like our jobs, but neither of us wants to work for the rest of our lives. (Who would??) So we went through the items in the packet and filled in our info. Then, we came to the Dream Book.

The good news is it wasn’t the cheesy kind of dream journal. The bad news is it’s worse. It makes you really stop and ask yourself what the heck you actually want in your life.

It starts off with some pretty basic questions like, What are some activities you enjoy doing? What do you most want to avoid in life? What would you like to have more of in your life?

Those were pretty easy for me to answer, but some of the other questions were unexpectedly hard. What are the causes you would like to be more involved in? What are the things you absolutely believe in?

I have to admit, I was a little skeptical of the Dream Book at first, but it turned out to be really helpful. Why? Because it actually makes you articulate what your goals and priorities are. And having a stated goal helps you figure out where you’re going and get there faster.

I’ve always had kind of a vague vision of how I want my retirement to look like with a lot of traveling, golfing and stress-free days. But the truth is, you can’t travel all the time, you can’t golf all the time (or maybe you can), and if you’re short on money and barely getting by you’ll probably be stressed all the time.

Now that we’ve gone through the exercise of narrowing goals, it’s time to start planning. There’s something so satisfying about putting together a good plan and knowing that you’ll actually be able to meet your goals.

The Wall Street Journal has an old PDF copy of the Dream Book if you want to start thinking about what your big goals are. Good luck!

- C

operation inbox simplification

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 22:12:00 -0700

A few years ago, an email pissed me off. It was from Daily Candy, which reviews restaurants, boutiques and other girly stuff in major cities. Except this email was one of their “sponsored” emails, and it was about why Meg Whitman should be the next governor of California.

I was so turned off that I immediately went on the hunt for the unsubscribe link. But as my mouse hovered over it, I paused. How am I going to stay on top of what’s new in San Francisco? What will I do without these? After a minute or so, I clicked the link, only because I was confident I could subscribe again if my life took a turn for the worse on the boring scale. Yes, I actually thought that.

Fast forwarding to the present, I haven’t missed it at all. Half the time those emails were telling me to go to a ridiculously expensive shop on Union Street to buy a handbag. Now it’s one less email to read and one less piece of junk cluttering my mindspace.

If you’ve found that your personal inbox is sucking up time and mindspace, here are a few tips for a moderalist inbox:

UNSUBSCRIBE from Groupon. With Groupon, Living Social and other deal sites, you buy stuff or services you don’t really want or need just because it’s a hot deal. Most of the time the deals aren’t that hot, and the restrictions on use make them a real pain. I still receive their travel deals, mostly out of curiosity. If you’re committed to deal-hunting, try an aggregator that sends you multiple deals in one email.

SUBSCRIBE to Weekend Sherpa: What do you like to do? Chris and I like hiking, so we receive a once-a-week email with nearby hiking ideas for the weekend. Like trying different restaurants? Yelp sends a once-a-week themed email. Want to know when hip bars are opening? Sign up for Thrillist. Looking for cheap events? Try Goldstar or FunCheapSF.

TAKE ADVANTAGE of Gmail’s “Mark as Important” function: Spend a few minutes over the next few days to make sure the items tagged as important are accurate: emails from friends and family, lists that you really find useful to read. Then, actually read your emails based on priority. You’ll always get to the ones that are most important to you, and you can save the other stuff for later. If you find you’re not missing the other stuff, just unsubscribe!

THINK like a reporter: The other day, the founder of my company talked about how critical it is to write compelling subject lines when pitching stories to reporters. Reporters are bombarded with emails, and they make decisions about what to read based on the subject line. You should be as ruthless as a reporter is with their inbox. Even if the email comes from a list you normally read, the subject line “Sponsored: Jack Daniels wants your opinion!” should be a no brainer to hit the delete button.

- T

If...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 21:45:00 -0700

fankei:

you were to leave your busy life right now and go wherever you wanted, what would you pack in your suitcase?

365ranu: Day 24 - March 17: Jealous, much? Thanks to Bob and...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 21:40:35 -0700

365ranu:

Day 24 - March 17: Jealous, much?

Thanks to Bob and Anita for taking care of our girl while we were in NYC.

free time

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:53:00 -0700

I came across a great article last week by Laura Vanderkam about time management. The gist of the article is that we’re probably not as busy as we think we are; we just can’t prioritize everything that needs to get done. We need to understand that’s OK and not feel like we’re letting ourselves down when we don’t get to every little thing.

I especially appreciated her recommendation to use the phrase, “It’s not a priority,” as opposed to, “I don’t have time,” when figuring out how to plan your day or spend your time. Obviously that probably won’t fly at work and it would be rude to say to your friends, but it works well for internal planning.

The article got me thinking about a philosophy course I took in college. On the first day of class, we had to write down three things that were most important to us. First on my list was free time. I don’t quite remember what else was on there, but it probably included my Bob Dylan collection and something predictable, like family. I think my list would shake out pretty much the same today with free time being close to the top.

I don’t want to feel like I’m working when I’m outside of work, and changing the way I think about chores will really help. Instead of telling myself I don’t have time to work in the garden, I’m going to be honest and just tell myself I really don’t care if our backyard is just dirt and bricks. I’d rather spend 20 minutes straightening up the kitchen and 30 minutes Mario Karting. I shouldn’t feel guilty about the backyard because it’s not a priority.

The whole issue of time management is very closely related to the general theme of this blog: happiness. I’m happy when I’m doing what I want to do with the people I like being around. That’s not to say everything I do should be all about me and what I like to do, but I need to learn to do a better job of defining and balancing priorities with things that just need to get done. Doing so will result in more free time, and hopefully more happiness.

Also, check out this interview Laura did on Talk of the Nation.

- C

maximizers

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 02:15:18 -0800

I’ve been trying to be better about staying on top of my reading, so I gave my Google Reader some sprucing up while flying back from Baltimore a couple weekends ago. Now, I’m much better about keeping up with Penelope Trunk.

My dad was the one who told me about her blog on careers and life, and I appreciate the same things about her that he does. Mainly, she’s honest.

Her blog on Valentine’s Day was about diversity, but I didn’t really take anything away from it about diversity (or Valentine’s Day). Instead, I took away a lot about happiness. She wrote:

I always thought leaving New York City would be good for me because when you live there, the push to get the best of everything is very strong. New Yorkers are maximizers, a term coined by psychologist Barry Schwartz for someone who is always thinking they can do better. These people are generally unhappy.

There’s a spectrum, for sure. But if maximizing were a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest in NYC everyone is in the 6-10 range. And the 6s think they’re really laid back. I wanted to be in the 1-5 range, where research shows that people lead much happier lives.

This really got me thinking about whether my desire for moderalism was in reaction to all the maximizers around me.

First, want to know more about maximizers? Read the article she links to in her blog.

Sometimes I think I come from a generation of maximizers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my friends say: “Take me to the best place,“ or, “Oh my gosh, I had the BEST DAY.” Exhibit A is my Facebook news feed. (Penelope has something to say about those folks too.)

I’m guilty of it too, I’ll admit. On the scale of 1-10, I’m probably a 7. But we should all be, right? It’s normal to never be satisfied — always be striving for more, for the best.

Except there’s a balance to be struck. If you don’t care enough to try and do better, you probably won’t be all that happy. But if you’re never satisfied and only thinking about what else is out there, you’re letting the (non-existent) perfect be the enemy of the good. That is like letting a mediocre restaurant keep you from enjoying the conversation with the people you’re with. Or spending so much time taking the best photos during your vacation that you are more focused on photos rather than the beautiful scenery right in front of you.

Besides, if you’re really interested in the best, it doesn’t really get any better than this:

- T

goals

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:52:00 -0800

I recently got a bug up my butt about exercising and getting in shape. I’ve gotten this bug before, but it usually dies within a month or two. This one has been alive for the last couple months — easily a new record.

It all started in Portland (click for travel ideas) last October:

A long weekend of beer, cocktails, donuts, fried chicken, and just every other delicious food you can imagine left Tamara and I feeling less than stellar, despite all the walking around we did. We were feeling so bad, in fact, we decided to join a gym the night we landed.

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s different about this time, why I didn’t quit exercising after three months or less. I think the answer is because now I have a goal. In the past, I exercised to try and get in better shape. That’s much too broad of a goal which is why I think I was never able to stick with it.

I want to do a lot of hiking and backpacking this summer and I’m especially interested in spending a week a week on the Tahoe Rim Trail with Tamara and Carlos. My goal is to be able to spend several hours a day backpacking at a moderately high elevation without dying. I did a little backpacking in the Sierras last year and it was tough. Really tough. If I had been in better shape, I know I would have enjoyed myself more and had the energy to explore and check out the scenery instead of huffing and puffing up every little hill.

The trick will be to find a new goal once the summer’s over. In the meantime, Tamara and I will be hitting the gym a few times a week and doing some good day hikes on weekends. We’ll be documenting some of our hikes and other adventures which will hopefully encourage us to stay active and keep working toward our goals.

- C

what really matters? people.

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 21:27:47 -0800

Remember the last episode of season three of Mad Men? Don finds out that Sterling Cooper is about to be bought by McCann and he doesn’t want to go: He wants to work — to build something. So Don approaches Bert about buying back Sterling Cooper, but they realize they can’t do it without Roger (and Lucky Strike, a.k.a. cash money).

They find themselves sitting across from Roger to pitch him their plan, who immediately sees that they’re “sniffing around because I have a golden pork chop around my neck.” Don tells him it’s not about that; he can sell ideas, but he’s not good with people like Roger is. To which Roger responds:

“You’re not good at relationships because you don’t value them.”

I remember that episode — and that line — really clearly, because I could never quite put my finger on what bothered me about Don’s character until that moment. All the smart ideas and smooth talkin’ in the world can’t make up for the fact that he doesn’t show people like Betty, Peggy, Pete, his brother or others that he values them.

So far we have been writing about what not to focus on, like buying/keeping stuff that clutters both your physical space and mind space. Now it’s time to talk about what to fill that space with.

The answer is people and the relationships that you value. Because for most of us, unless you figure out the cure for cancer or make time travel possible, the most important contribution you can make in this world is to be a positive part of someone’s life. Maybe I’m just a simple girl with simple dreams, but I genuinely believe that.

So in that spirit, here is a wordcloud (I know, so 2008) of the people we care about who we also got to spend time with since we started this blog:

If you are included here, thanks for making time in your busy life to spend time with me and/or Chris (outside of work hours) over the past three weeks! I’d take your company and a cocktail any day over a Jack LaLanne juicer.

- T

being cheap is expensive

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:02:00 -0800

I’m a real cheapskate. Not so much in the sense that I refuse to spend money — I’ve been known to make it rain on occasion — but more in that when I’m buying something price is usually the number one determining factor. This results in buying things that are cheaply made and more often than not don’t fit my needs or need to replaced because they broke.

Take for example my hiking boots. I bought them for $50 at Target and, while they haven’t fallen apart, they’re not very comfortable, the ankle support isn’t great, and they’re bulky. They don’t do the things you expect out of a hiking boot.

Part of my problem is that I’m an impatient shopper. If I want or need something I’ll rarely take the time to sit and read reviews or compare products. I want it now and I don’t want to wait.

With my boots, I tried them on at the store, walked once to the end of the aisle and back, and then bought ‘em. If I’d taken the time to do any research at all, I would have seen that everyone who has ever bought them has regretted it. They have a 1 star rating out of 5 on target.com. So now I’m going to end up with two pairs of boots and will have wasted $50. Doesn’t sound very moderalist to me.

In order to try and reduce these instances of buyer’s remorse, I’m instituting a mandatory five day cooling-off period on all my purchases of durable goods. From now on, I’m not going to buy anything without thinking about it for at least five days. No more crappy hiking boots, no more unused juicers, no more useless gadgets.

I’ll never stop being cheap, but at least I can start being smart about it.

- C

why the gripmaster hates my freedom

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:10:29 -0800

The items below may look like ordinary household items. But they are one of the greatest threats to our freedom!

That’s right, good citizens. I am not exaggerating. The Gripmaster hand exerciser, these New Balance pedometers and some super random contraption are just a few of the items standing between me and Chris and our dreams. Let me explain.

There is no story behind these items except that at one point we thought we needed them. There are a lot of things we think we “need” or come as accessories to things we “need” — which is how I presume we ended up with that unnamed contraption. But it turns out, none of these things are essential to our survival. They don’t bring us any joy, or even inspire neutral feelings.

Instead, they take up space: physical space and mind space. Where should I put this stuff? Should I organize it with other related stuff? Do you think we should run to The Container Store to get some storage bins? Do you remember where we put it? It’s not working anymore; is it because I only paid $6.99 for it? Do you think anyone else would want it? Can it be recycled? Will you just stick it in a drawer until we figure out what to do with it?

If you read between the lines here, I have just convinced myself that I need a bigger house with more home organization items, and have added to my to-do list to research recycling some piece of crap that I of course know is not recyclable and of course broke because I bought it cheap.

Instead, I could get rid of the shelving this junk occupied and get a guest bed so our friends and family can stay with us comfortably and visit more often. Or I could be thinking about what hike to go on or what movie to see this weekend with Chris. Both better uses of physical space and mind space.

It may seem like an exaggeration, but this is just a sampling of all the (even more embarrassing) junk we’ve found while sifting through our stuff. Imagine all of the physical space and mind space we’re opening up so we can focus on what really counts. That kind of freedom is free.

- T

too much stuff

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:52:36 -0800

Moderalism, as we’re defining it, means cutting back on unnecessary stuff so we can focus on the stuff we care about.

Americans loves buying and holding on to their stuff. Tamara and I are no exception. We’re by no means hoarders, but it’s so easy to accumulate stuff that after a while you don’t even remember why or when you got it or when you used it last.

I’ve made some pretty poor purchases over the past few years and have held onto things I rarely use way longer than necessary. The one that sticks out the most right now is my Jack LaLanne fruit and vegetable juicer that I paid $120 for and only used for three weeks.

I had grand plans of having a nutritious glass of juice every day after work, but it turns out that spending 30+ minutes at the end of a long day to turn nice fresh fruits, veggies, tubers and legumes into a viscus and foamy brown/green liquid that you have to drink as fast as possible so you don’t have to taste it any more than is totally necessary is not really very relaxing.

I know I’m never going to use that juicer again, so why do I keep it? Turns out I’m not the only one who has trouble getting rid of stuff. The non-profit Self Storage Association estimates that in the US alone there is 2.22 billion square feet of storage space. That’s three times the size of Manhattan! A self-storage place near our house is renting a 4’ x 4’ unit for $118 a month. That works out to over $1,400 a year just to store a little bit of junk that’s not important enough to keep in your home. (Sidenote: The A&E show Storage Wars is a guilty pleasure.)

So, here are the questions we’ll be asking ourselves as we go through the house and figure out what’s worth saving and what isn’t:

Can you remember the last time you used it?
Do you plan on using it again?
Does it have sentimental value?
If you needed it again, would it be prohibitively difficult to replace?
Would getting rid of it significantly lower your social status? (j/k)

We’ll be keeping track of the things we decide to dispose of and may revise the above criteria as we start working our way through the house.

- C

the inspiration for the moderalist life

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:20:00 -0800

When I was a kid, my dad and I would drive around a lot. Sometimes to run to the store, sometimes to check out new gadgets at CompUSA, sometimes just to drive. It was usually on those drives that he’d dole out his best wisdom. Once on a drive, he said:

“The more you make, the more you spend.”

I thought it was the craziest thing I’d ever heard.

Once you’re a grown-up, you have a salary and then you’re free to do whatever makes you happy! Like pay your mortgage, buy insurance, shop for work clothes and oh, I get it now. (Except the part about shopping for work clothes, which I enjoy, thank you very much.)

Chris and I have been doing a lot of thinking about what makes us happy. The Ragin’ Cajun said that one of the most precious things you can give of yourself is your labor. And just as government budgets speak volumes about what we value and prioritize as a society, how we as individuals spend the fruits of our labor says a lot about our priorities.

Which brings us full-circle: On our way back from visiting my dad over the holidays, we thought long and hard about his advice (I’m paraphrasing) to cut the extraneous crap out of our lives and focus on what makes us happy.

It goes far beyond how we spend our money, although that’s an obvious place to start. It’s about prioritizing what and who really matters, prioritizing experiences over things, and enjoying life more — without taking a vow of poverty, hence the marriage of “moderate” and “minimalist.”

We thought we’d chronicle our experience transitioning to moderalism on this blog for two reasons: First, because it holds us accountable. And second, if any of you are feeling the same way, maybe this will be helpful inspiration for you too. We’ll take turns writing. More to come.

- T